Just bored and I thought my blog is on its verge of death so I'll just post some funny jokes to keep it alive. Or rather, not so dead.
A Man is driving down the road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
And they pass each other.
The woman leans out the window and yells 'PIG!'
The man immediatly leans out the window and yells 'SLUT!' to return the favour.
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next bend, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.
Moral of story: If only men would listen.
--
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?
The lady in the sweet happy voice:
'Hi, it's a great day and i'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the Love". Beeeeeep.'
The guy that rang:
'Uh, yeah... This is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the LOVE.'
--
A man is sent to do an urgent buisness trip in the capital city, but he is a really big nympho and can't control the urge.
So one day the man comes home really happy while holding a box.
The wife asks, "What's in the box?"
"A Voodoo penis."
"What does it do?"
"You say 'voodo penis' and the area you want it to go and it goes there, perfect for the buisness trip because i can feel it!"
So the man leaves, and the voodoo penis is in her vagina and she starts to hate the feeling.
Weeks go by and the woman doesn't know how to take out the voodoo penis and is going crazy.
Finally it's the day that the man goes home and she starts speeding to the airport.
She gets pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, you've been going at speeds of 150 km/h and I'm gonna have to ask why you are speeding while giving you a ticket."
"Well you see, officer, my husband put a voodoo penis in me and I don't know how to get it out, and he arrives home today and I can't stand it so I want him to get it out!"
The cop laughs and says "HA! Voodoo Penis my ass!"
--
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
--
A class was given an English assignment to write a short story.
The story required three themes: Religion, sexuality and mystery.
Out of the whole class, only one student got an A+.
This is what she wrote:
Oh my God. I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
--
(AND PERSONALLY, MY FAVOURITE ONE.)
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...
It goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N OP Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 1516 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1 +20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit that will put you over the top.
-All the above adapted from facebook.com.
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